The sitcoms we grew up with have lied to us. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. Whether we're watching Joey, Barney, Jerry, or any of the other characters on T.V, they're all communicating the same message: that dating in the city is a fun experience full of wacky hijinks. These guys can go out to bars and coffee shops, look at a pretty girl, go "How you doin'?" or "Do you like magic?" and get dates, no hassle (unless they get rejected in a very comical way). This was the narrative that was communicated to myself and countless other 20-somethings for our whole lives, and we definitely carried those expectations into the dating world. But I can tell you first hand that trying to live the "single life" in New York is nothing like the sitcoms, and is in fact a stressful, tedious, frustrating, dangerous, and often fruitless endeavor.
Now, by the "single life," I am not referring to one who happens to find themselves in a situation where they happen to be single. Being single, whether it's by choice or not, is a remarkable opportunity for self-discovery and improvement, and I don't believe anybody is ready for a relationship unless they can honestly say that they enjoy themselves without a partner. I'm also not referring to people who are casually dating in hopes of meeting someone special. Chance encounters don't happen often, so it's important to put yourself out there, as long as your priorities are in order.
I'm referring to the lifestyle of going out to bars every night in hopes of "scoring." People who scoff at the idea of second dates or any kind of commitment. Those who play fast and loose with other people's emotions and wasting their time, as well as their own. They're not thinking about self discovery or improvement, but rather, as Simone de Beauvoir would say, fleeing from nihilistic despair. But we'll table the philosophy for now. Right now I'd just like to address how living this way in New York is nothing like it is portrayed on T.V, and why it should be avoided:
These people aren't cool, they're annoying.
It sounds like a lot of fun to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a night, hitting on single ladies (or gentlemen, for that matter) at the bar. But when you go out to a bar or party, these guys on the "prowl" for strange are actually annoying as hell, and everyone wants them to leave. People most often attend these social settings in groups, and when one guy is trying to separate someone from their peers, expect there to be a defensive response from whomever they're with. Bouncers in New York will most likely throw you out if you pull this crap, mainly for safety reasons (we'll get to that in a moment). Don't be that guy or gal who goes on the "prowl," just enjoy yourself and the people you're with, and let whatever possible chance meetings with potential mates happen on their own.
It makes you emotionally unavailable for when the real thing happens.
If you've only got one thing on your mind when you are approaching people in public, you're going to miss out on everything they may have to offer in an actual relationship. People aren't notches in a belt, but you'll never know that if you keep treating them that way. Even if you're in one of those "casual hook-up-we're-not-labeling-it" things, you're wasting time for either digging deeper into a relationship, spending quality time with yourself, or finding someone you actually want to share your life with. New York may be a city of 8.5 million people, but compatibility is hard to come by, and unless you plan to be doing this when you're 60, sooner or later you will need to give this some attention. Even Barney had his moments of "I can't keep doing this forever."
It's very dangerous.
This is probably the most important reason I can give, and it applies to both men and women. The worst case scenario on T.V is Joey throwing a girl's wooden leg on a fireplace, or Jessica Day having an awkward encounter with her hook-up's ex that's still living with him. In real life, that worst case scenario is far more serious. The risks of acquiring an STD are increased exponentially if one is consistently going out and hooking up with strangers, as well as the possibilities of being drugged and taken advantage of (this happens to men as well). None of the people on T.V have to live with the consequences of their actions from more than a 22 minute episode. You will need to live with them for the rest of your life.
This week, I wanted to take a break and address a more serious topic, one that involves not just people coming from SoCal, but to anyone who moved or is thinking about moving to New York. I have fond memories with all the shows I've mentioned above, but a big thing one needs to learn when they move here is that they are fiction. The "single life" is not a glamorous one by any means...unless you are a sitcom character.
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