When New York Kicks Your Ass

My go-to reading when I question the suffering in my life.

So I've had a terrible week. I mean, it has been absolutely terrible, and as of right now there is no end in sight. I won't go into specifics as to why that is, but unforeseen circumstances have forced me to drastically alter my long term plans, all while I am preparing for the end of the semester and my upcoming trip to China. It has been a wonderful week of weather here in New York, and it actually reminds me of April days back in Orange County. Yet I am stuck inside, huddled over my phone and my laptop, trying to put together my life in the midst of deadlines and obligations that need to be met. It has been one hit after another, and the hits just keep coming. Like Edgar Allen Poe, I too feel as though I have "breathed and atmosphere of sorrow" as of late.

...ok that might be a little extreme, but things are hard right now and I'm in a sad poet mood.

I mentioned in my last post how New York is the city that hugs and punches you at the same time. Sometimes it is one or the other. Sometimes the city provides more than you can possibly imagine, whether it's a job, a part in a play, a new relationship, or even just a treasured memory. But sometimes it's just punches you, like when you loosing that job, or can't meet a crucial deadline, or when you're not being fast enough to land that apartment you fell in love with. Sometimes New York just beats you up, and for some reason it feels more personal than back home. After all, this is the city that was "waiting for you" (in the words of Taylor Swift), and you feel that much more betrayed when it feels like it's rejecting you like a virus.

But here's the thing: What makes you worthy to live here isn't how well you avoid the hurt, it's how you deal with it. New Yorkers are tough, and if you want to be one, you need to get tough real quickly. So here are some tips to keep in mind when things get tough:

Don't distract yourself from the reality of the situation.

It's the natural human instinct that tells you to hide from your problems, and when things rough that impulse becomes almost unbearable. But your problems won't go away by hiding under the covers, or getting to the bottom of a bottle of wine. You need to confront the reality of your situation, no matter how painful it is. They teach you in AA that recognition is the first step to recovery: the sheer admittance of a problem will set you on the path to remedying it.

Find a buddy to keep you from giving up.

Kierkegaard said that there is an aspect of "dizziness" the individual feels when they recognize their freedom, as the anguish of responsibility for their finite existence overwhelms them. New York is very good at pointing out how small and frail you are, and the weight of responsibility may feel unbearable at times. To keep from giving up, designate a friend or family member to snap you out of existential despair, and make sure you assume responsibility for your life. I call my mom when I get a little Kierkegaardian, because she is the toughest person I know and is very good at telling me to "snap the hell out of it." For more about the importance of community, see my previous post on the subject.

Develop a plan.

Create a time-table for "crisis mode" and stick to it. Having a schedule will give you a sense of security amidst the anguish of living in an absurd and finite existence (Ok I've been reading a lot of existentialism lately). Don't let the immediacy of a situation keep you from making a plan to make it right, lest you handle the situation poorly.

Learn from it.

Everything problem is a learning opportunity, and New York has a very steep learning curve. When you come out on top of a bad situation (and trust me, it will get better), take time to reflect on it and see what you can learn. Miss out on an apartment? Put down an offer quicker next time. Get pick-pocketed? Keep your wallet in your shirt pocket or in a hidden compartment in your purse. Bad roommate situation? Adapt your criteria for interviewing future roommates. Don't forget to reflect on the hard chapters in life, or else the suffering is meaningless.

I could have had it easy back home in Orange County: I could have gone to a less difficult school, gotten a comfortable job, lived at home for a while, and stay within the comfort of the place I grew up. But I didn't. I chose to come here because I knew it would prepare me for a better life. Whether you're coming from Orange County like me, or from anywhere else in the county, you most likely worked your ass off to get here. No matter how bad it gets or hopeless it seems, don't give up.